If Only I had Just Listened

If Only I Had Just Listened

If I had just listened earlier to my naggy wife

who kept on and on about my unhealthy life!

Urging me to take care of my mind and body

‘Eat less, drink less, quit fags*,’ She’d nag me.

But oh yeah - being stubborn me I knew best

and wouldn’t give my vices any bleedin’ rest!

All those greasy fry-ups and fish ‘n’ chip sups

All those french fries and succulent pork pies.

(All those clogged up arteries - What surprise!)

Then there was the drinkin’ - Drink Drink Drink.

Down one pint of beer followed by the next one.

Drinking Drinking Drinking - Oh what joy and fun.

I’d go same again mate - Soon to meet my fate.

Wouldn’t be long before Grim Reaper had to wait!

Now as if my personal dieting wasn’t bad enough

(All that sugary, fatty and salty refined fast food stuff.)

followed up by my great passion for beer drinking

had seriously done in my liver and me thinking!

To add further insult to my physical injury and abuse

(Fortunately one vice not tempted by was drug abuse.)

Being ex-army; accustomed to smoking like a trooper

Decades of nicotine **cked my lungs to smithereens.

Now cos I didn’t listen and it’s much too late in the day

It’s almost sure count-down time before me going away

so I’d best get me things and affairs - Will and all that

all done ‘n’ order like before layin’ self unconscious flat

for NHS butchers to cut me up and have a real butchers

and dig and poke around to see if they can fix me inners!

After what seemed an age - 6 hour 6 minutes on that bleedin’ table

(Yeah I was bleedin’ profusely alright but they coudn’t get me stable!)

Me one and only heart and lungs were totally **cked and knackered!

Beyond all repair and not really a cat in hell’s chance - Dead tired!

Me ticker went flatliner and all butcher’s manual heart massage

went to nowt and no one was about to deny my final dark passage.

A week later me loved ones buried me in me local cemetery

(Never did fancy the idea of going up in flames in the cremy.)

They cried their eyeballs out and God how I wished then that

had listened earlier to me naggy wife instead of lying dead flat.

Ritchie Fan

*Fags - Slang for ciggies - cigarettes.